Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
BRING THE BAGELS
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
