the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
