Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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