This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Help. Why am I so naked?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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