One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
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I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
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Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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