non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
