I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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