Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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