i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
