im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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