You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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