Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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