my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
