When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
