we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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