She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
