I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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