I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
