I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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