This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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