I hate your face
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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