Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
