My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
