I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
