I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
