I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
one might say we're banned from that church
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
