i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
