she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
