You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
