her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
