i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
