another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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