sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
