is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The air taste purple.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
