I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
