then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
