y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
