you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
