big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
