why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
