just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
