if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
