Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
