Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
