I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
