Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
