I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
