you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
