I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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