I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Randomize
