yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
