I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
