I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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