Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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