i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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