Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
