literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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