You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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