And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
